When it feels unfair
What to DO when you're trying to build a family through fertility challenges and it all feels so unfair.
Many of my clients who are in the middle of trying to build a family find themselves swallowing a potent swirling cocktail of sadness, anger and frustration.
And then there’s often a nice bitterness, resentment, jealousy chaser and to really set things off, the final shitty extra: that feeling things are just so incredibly unfair.
Why is it not my turn?
Why is this happening for them and not me?
WHY IS LIFE SO FUCKING UNFAIR?!
And then we either decide we must not be worthy of anything good happening and we begin to also berate ourselves for being childish (or whatever) OR we think, FFS I AM A GOOD, RELATIVELY NICE PERSON, WHAT IN THE ACTUAL NAME OF FUCK IS GOING ON?! WHY HAVE I GOT ALL THIS SHIT AND JANE HAS A LOVELY LIFE?
(I don’t know who Jane is but you know what I mean, go with me here).
Now, take a breath because you’re gonna probably want to either throw something at me now or you’ll nod and think “yes Alice I knooooow. And?!”
But I’m gonna say it anyway.
The hard truth is that life is indeed unfair.
Some people get pregnant easily and have children without issue.
Some people just have sex and it happens.
Some people decide how many children they’d like to have and even when they want to have them and even the perfect age gaps between them.
And it all works out and happens just as they planned.
Some people don’t know what it’s like to put your life on hold; change everything in your diet and lifestyle; spend thousands on everything from supplements to medical treatment to organic vegetables or feel like you’re on the outskirts of society, looking in - desperate to know what it feels like to be tired because of parenting, not exhausted by trying to parent.
And the thing is, if we cannot accept this truth, we are surely doomed to a never ending spiral of crippling isolation, pain and sadness.
Now let’s be clear: I don’t blame anyone for self pity. I’m just far more interested in self compassion.
Here’s the difference.
Self pity says: “why me? This is so unfair. Nothing is going my way.”
Self compassion says: “why me? This is so unfair. Nothing is going my way and - it’s ok that I feel like this. Even though things are so hard right now I accept my feelings. Even though this is thoroughly shit and I feel rubbish today, I’m doing my best. I am giving what I can. I have been dealt a truly shite card and yet look at what I’ve been able to manage. I got up in the morning, I got dressed, I have showered, I’ve been to work, I’ve… etc etc”
Self compassion honours the feeling and opens the door to positive reassurance and a new, gentle mindset.
Self compassion says: yes it’s hard, yes it’s unfair and it moves through it with fierce connection to Self.
It PROTECTS the Self and fiercely loves the Self. It focuses energy and attention on LOVE and care and on releasing any judgement.
If we don’t honour the feelings, if we stay in self - pity, we don’t process anything.
We go round and round in a never ending circle of bitterness and the ‘why me’ voice only grows.
When it grows it becomes louder and louder until it becomes all we hear and then we start to see more ways that life feels unfair and things aren’t working out for us.
We start to ONLY see things that aren’t going our way. We start to cultivate a strong belief that nothing is fair and others have it much easier. The perspective is so clear it becomes nearly impossible to believe there’s another way to see things; another perception.
And so we start to show up in our lives with this overwhelming sense of unfairness permeating through and it becomes a cycle.
So how the fluff do we change it?
How do we break the cycle?
Self compassion first. Honour feelings. Process them.
Then diligently - and yes I am afraid to say it must be diligent! - focus our attention on our own lives, our own joy, our own potential.
Stop focusing so intently on what’s happening for others and start firmly, regularly and repeatedly focusing on ourselves. Yes we have to be mildly obsessed with ourselves and our lives in my opinion!
This does not mean barricading ourselves away from friends and family or never doing things for others - it simply means we pour attention into who we are. We live.
Accept that dark and light exist in life and it’s not one or the other.
So when we feel like things are desperately unfair - start with self compassion first and let yourself feel it all because it’s the fastest way to accept that yes: life is unfair, but no, it does not mean you are a victim. Life is just life. Our job is to live it.
And sometimes, it’s absolutely ok to throw things or eat a bucket of minstrels while watching re-runs of Bridgerton.