Do we just need to get over it?
Or do people need to stop saying insensitive, ignorant comments and learn what empathy is?
When I first started talking about fertility support on Instagram I quickly realised how incredibly sensitive the topic was.
I mean, I knew it anyway - I had just come through my own fertility journey for a start, but it was one of the reasons I was so reluctant to start a social media channel in the first place…I had the fear.
I was scared of many things like the judgement and that people wouldn’t listen to me; that they would just think: ‘what does she know, she’s had a kid’.
I had to dig really deep to start sharing my support and it took every ounce of mindset work and energy to do it in the first place. (More here on the topic of getting over this kind of fear if you’re interested)
Once I did start, I found all the thousands of #ttc hashtags and this incredible, supportive and amazing community - I couldn’t believe it. I was so excited to connect with everyone and start getting to know them and to share what I had discovered along the way myself.
Glaringly obvious was that one of the deepest pain points for my followers was dealing with, drum roll please… The Comments. Just relax! Put your legs in the air after a shag! At least it was early!
AND here’s the kicker: a stunning lack of empathy if you didn’t find comments triggering: ‘don’t take things so personally/people are only being genuine/why can’t you just be happy for someone else/I’m going through this and I don’t have a problem at all!”.
So these comments and/or lack of empathy were coming not just from those who hadn’t been through the fertility wringer (to which those who have sagely nod to each other and say: ‘if you haven’t been through it you can’t understand’) but from those who had.
Let’s imagine Jenny has had a totally shit day.
She got her period again that morning after 18 months of trying to conceive. She has no answers or treatment plans yet and she’s feeling lonely, isolated and terrified of the future. With tears already threatening, she’s suddenly metaphorically thwacked over the head by her hairdresser asking, “so…when are you having a baby?”. She skirts over the question and picks up her phone.
Jenny remembers the Life Raft Instagram account and has a scroll to see if there’s anything that feels comforting or uplifting.
She sees a post from me, raising awareness and asking people to stop with the ‘when are you having a baby’ questions.
She breathes a sigh of relief that someone understands. She is seen, she is not alone. She takes a deep breath and thinks maybe I will try to connect with someone in the comments.
Oh.
Sally has piped up. An IVF patient who doesn’t get triggered and thinks we all need to get over it.
Jenny has gone from a moment of connection and relief to instant shame. And now she’s back to isolation. Her mental health is on the floor. She is lost again.
Sal of course, has unashamedly disregarded the point that every human has a unique brain, body, past experiences, social background, support network etc which of course leads to unique emotional triggers and responses.
So where does this leave us? Who is ‘correct’?
In 2019 I created an awareness campaign, called ‘Think! What not to say’ and it went a bit bananas. I asked everyone in the fertility community on instagram to post a selfie pointing a finger to their heads and to use the hashtag #twnts - it was epic.
On campaign launch day, I wrote a blog; released my first ever podcast episode and spammed instagram with my first campaign video, the hashtag and invitation to participate. It took off.
Everyone got behind it. So many shares, mentions, tags - fertility consultants in the US shared it and called it the ‘Think! What not to say’ movement. I was INUNDATED with thousands of DMs and so many stories of comments people had received from friends, colleagues, fertility consultants.
I spoke on stages, organised live events, got the media involved.
It became obvious to me that there was a valley of miscommunication between the commenters and the receivers. I wanted things to change and I thought together perhaps we COULD change things.
I made videos of all the different kinds of comments - workplace, fertility consultants, friends and family.
I ruffled a few feathers and I never enjoyed that part but I did it in the name of pushing for positive change. I did it because I was listening to the depth of anxiety, grief and overwhelm my followers were experiencing.
I did it because I know that the comments were VERY often directed towards women, not men and this gendered gaslighting and what I call subconscious fertility blame (ie it is your fault that it’s not happened yet, said in any number of different guises) made me furious.
With any sort of campaign you’re gonna get pushback. You really have to be super passionate to keep talking about it because honestly it is EXHAUSTING hearing the same thing said to you again and again (and people always believe they are the first one to say it).
“People say things with the best intentions though”
“You’re adding to the problem; people have to learn not to be so triggered”
“People shouldn’t take things so personally and negatively”
For seven years I’ve been working every day to support people with a coach led mindset and self compassion focus going through infertility on instagram, inside my Life Raft membership and in my courses.
I have spent years researching, collating evidence, speaking to thousands of people who this affects, speaking with leading fertility experts on my podcast; creating carefully curated content.
Now, there’s something I am noticing.
I think the conversation has shifted.
I think the online fertility community in 2025 are far more OPEN to taking ownership of their response to comments and they want to be empowered as well as heard and validated.
I think more people are perhaps ready to receive the messages that I have actually been sharing since day dot.
I am a transformative mindset coach but back in 2019 I was mostly known for my campaigning.
Actually, my membership and podcast is the only fertility platform which actually puts mindset, community and wellbeing first above everything else; because I know that when we do, it radically transforms the whole experience. I run workshops and courses on dismantling triggers; taking ownership and reclaiming your life while going through all of this.
But if my instinct is right and people are more open to hearing the message, the question is:
Do we still need to raise awareness?
Or do we let people say whatever they want and focus only on our response?
Well - personally and I have always said the same thing: I still don’t think it is all on the fertility patient (or person dreaming of a baby) to do all the work.
It should to be a two pronged approach.
YES we can work on our internal narratives, mindset and nervous system; yes we can do amazing things to release comparison and develop life changing emotional resources; yes we can honour grief - but do we really have to do this work on top of people asking if we’ve tried relaxing and going on holiday (not to mention the actual fertility grief and exhaustion we’re also trying to process)?
Can we not have better awareness AND more people ready for self-coaching, emotional resources and resilience?
Can we hold two truths at the same time?
I’d love to know your thoughts and do feel free to disagree with my current take on it, but could I ask you please: be kind and open minded and gentle with me and with anyone who might be reading this.
After seven years on social media talking about an incredibly sensitive topic, I am slightly weary of the intensity of emotion it brings up (obviously I get it…but just remember I am only another human too). So let’s talk. What do you think? Let me know what number you are in the comments and I’d love to know why you choose it:
We just need to focus on our own emotional response and accept that people usually don’t mean to upset you
Comments need to stop, more empathy is needed AND we need to be emotionally equipped, supported and resourced
I don’t know but I appreciate the dialogue!
People just need to stop saying shit and we don’t need to work on emotional responses!
Im a 3. I think we need to educate. But also why is it my job to do that, but that where you are doing an amazing job. . So I would rather focus on me, especially when your in the trenches!. Does that make sense?